"Sarah, am I enough for you?"

"The Lord asked me one day, "Kelly, am I enough for you?" Though I wanted to say yes, my discontent heart knew that would be a lie. The trust of the matter was that Jesus Christ was not enough for me. He was not filling my ever longing and desire." Sacred Singleness (Kelly's Story)

That is very scary for me to think about. I can hear God asking me over and over again, every time I worry or complain or wonder about my future, "Sarah, am I enough for you?". And like it is said above, I want to say so badly, "Yes Lord, You are enough for me.", but I can't, because honestly, He isn't. If He was, I wouldn't want all of the things I want so badly right now. I would want what He wants.

I long to be able to say "Lord You are more then enough for you." and mean it with my whole heart. I long to do His will, and throw mine away completely. I long to be able to trust in Him with every little thing in my life. I long to feel His presence and feel completely satisfied. Oh, how I long....

One thing I know for sure: I will be able to say all of the above someday. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but someday. Someday the Lord will be everything that I want and need. Soon.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33,34

"Sacredly Single"

I am currently reading the book Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy. It was as if I was re-reading something that I had written just a week ago. It is exactly what I am going through, exactly what I am struggling with, and exactly how I feel. I hear people say all the time, "oh I know what thats like, trust me. I understand completely". Of course, I always felt like they really didn't. And now I am reading this book, and it seriously makes me want to cry. A human being has actually been through exactly what I am going through, and understands completely. Yeah, she is married now, but that is even more encouraging and motivates me more.

Whenever I would read books about waiting for "Mr. Right", I would never pay attention to what they had to go through during the waiting period. I always skipped to where they could finally be together. Elisabeth Elliott for example; her and Jim decided to surrender their love for each other for five years, and submit to God's will (keyword decided). Can you imagine that?

I know I have talked about surrender several times on here, but I am seriously not learning what it really means until now. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn, no joke. Surrender is a very hard lesson to learn, and it is definitely not an over night thing. I wish it could be, it would be so awesome if I could surrender everything single thing in my life to God over night and not have to re-surrender it ever again. It is very frustrating to me that I have to re-surrender that same thing over and over and over and over again, daily. I sometimes wonder if I am doing something wrong, or if its just Satan doing his usual things. Or maybe its God seeing if I am willing to surrender it, no matter how many times it takes.

Well, it all comes down to this: I am learning to surrender all, give up all of my hearts desires, and put them at the foot of the cross and leave them there for good. Not asking for them back, and not expecting God to give them back, ever.

Its not easy, but I want what He wants more then anything, finally. After getting my heart broken several times by the wrong guy, and after walking away from God several times, I can finally say that I am ready to learn to surrender, and to let God heal me completely, and to not look back.... Ever.