My name is Sarah Grace Brownlea; I was born in Oshkosh, Wisconsin on November 17, 1990. I grew up in a family that was pretty normal, didn’t have a lot of money, but just enough to get by. We did a lot of things together like go to parks and go camping. We all seemed pretty happy. My parent’s believed in God, but didn’t have a personal relationship with Him. My older sister and I would go to church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night. I remember very clearly the day that I learned what Jesus did for me, and I remember being confused. I didn’t understand why God would send His only Son to die for me. Why would He have to do that, and why would He willingly do that? No one bothered to explain.
I was 10 years old when everything fell apart. My parents started fighting all the time, and my sister started drinking and doing drugs (she was 15). My dad found out that my mom was cheating on him, but I remember that he forgave her and wanted to work things out. My mom didn’t want to and decided to get a divorce. The day that my dad left is the day that I remember the most when I look back. I still cry thinking about it. Two hours later, my mom’s boyfriend moves in.
My mom remarried 4 months after the divorce. His name was Russell, and he seemed like the sweetest guy ever. Within two weeks the real him came out. He was the most controlling and abusive man I have ever met in my entire life. I can remember him throwing my mom around as if she was a rag doll, screaming at her at the top of his lungs. And then when he was done with her, it was my and my sister’s turn. “You are worth nothing, you don’t deserve to live. You are stupid and immature. Nobody cares about you, and nobody is listening. No one will save you. You are worthless, useless, and dumb. You are fat and ugly…” He would scream at us every day. I remember kneeling at the side of my bed crying my eyes out to God, “if you are really there, please save us from this. Please, I beg you.” And then I would remember that nobody is listening.
By then my mom had no hope. She realized the mistake she made and thought she had no way out. She began drinking heavily, and ended up losing her job. I was 10 year old and I was taking care of myself completely. I had no money, and no way of getting money. No food, no electricity, no running way, no heat. I had horrible head lice, and no way to get rid of it. I would get sent home from school almost everyday because of it. I was 11 years old, and I weighed 79IBs. I had no friends at all. The school nurse questioned me every day, but of course I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on.
When I was 12 years old my sister ended up getting pregnant and moved out. She moved out when she was 17 and got married to the father of the baby. It was her only way to escape. I was on my own. And I had no one to talk to, no friends, and no family that lived near by. And God didn’t care and wasn’t listening as far as I knew. I had no hope. I just wanted to die.
October of 2002 I was rescued. I went in to school, got questioned by a police officer and I finally had the courage to tell the truth. I got taken to a foster home immediately. They called my step dad and mom and told them that I would not be coming home and that they were not aloud to see me until the court date. I stayed in the foster home for two weeks and then I moved to Appleton, Wisconsin with my dad and his girlfriend. For the first time in two years, I felt safe.
I woke up several times every night from horrible nightmares, and I remember that there was always some dark figure standing at the end of my bed. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew that it wanted to hurt me. I was terrified. There was no way to make it go away, and I could never fall back asleep.
Within a month of living with my Dad I remember looking out the window across the street and seeing a big church, Calvary Chapel of Appleton. I ignored it for a couple of months and didn’t think anything of it. My step mom suggested we go to it on the following Wednesday night. So we went to it, they stayed down stairs and I went up to the youth group. I remember being afraid, so I hid in the corner and tried not to catch anyone’s attention. Well, someone noticed anyway. Her name was Sunny, and she was the wife of the youth pastor. She was very nice and helped me feel very welcome. I loved it there from then on.
After going to the church for about two year, my past really started affecting me. I became very depressed, continued to have nightmares, and got spiritually attacked a lot. I started cutting myself, and thought of ways to commit suicide daily. I developed an eating disorder and had severely low self-esteem. I was in and out of the psychiatric eight times, and not once did it help. I needed something more.
After getting out of the hospital the last time, I was 16. I met with the pastor and I told him I need help, but no one can seem to help me. That is when He told me about Jesus and how He died on the cross for me sins because He loves me. He cares about me, and wants a personal relationship with me. He wants me to spend eternity with Him. That is when I broke completely. I confessed that I Jesus is Lord, and I believed in my heart that God raised Him from the dead, and that He has forgiven all of my sins. That He loves me, and is always listening, and will never leave me.
After I got saved, things in my life seemed to get a lot harder though. I was in high school, and I was dealing with a lot of peer-pressure. I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, and I didn’t know how to stop. I would do stupid things just to look cool, and get suspended for it. I would be really mean to people and put them down as much as possible. Whatever my friend did, I would do, but I am very thankful that I never got into drugs, alcohol, or sex.
My junior year I transferred schools to see if that would help. It ended up being a lot worse, so I finally decided to get through the rest of high school through home schooling. I finished school, and that summer I decided that it wasn’t good for me to stay where I was. My friend told me about a school of ministry in Upper Michigan. I prayed about it, God confirmed it several times. I moved up there in August of 2008. It hasn’t been easy. God is definitely working on me a lot. I am doing everything I can to please God, and to do His will.
Oh! And my mom has divorced my step dad, and is now in a great relationship with an amazing guy. My sister is now happily married, with an amazing daughter. And I am living in Iron River, MI and am attending the Tribe of Judah School of Ministry. (the third attempt). lol
